Witty Myspace

I’ve been noticing over the last few years of using the cultural phenomenon known as myspace.com that people feel the need to use clever headlines….

This is fine, I think my headline is pretty damn snappy if I don’t say so myself. But much like real life, people have to get insanely fucking cheesy and put some retarded shit up there, like some fucking philosophical psycho-babble or some lame fucking message of faith. I think a headline should be a one or two sentence blurb that basically lets on what you bring to the table. Here is an example of what my headline from when I first signed up like 3 years ago would’ve read: “Dirtbag looking for a good time with fast female company, must be attractive enough to screw in a sober state…”. Now that’s a headline that would’ve gotten me what I wanted, but hey…you snooze you lose. My current headline should read: “I have no reason to be here….I’m married and pushing 30″.

I enjoy the gimmicky headlines as well, I don’t know how many bitches have “that girl” as their headline. It’s like she can hear people being asked who’s dreamy…and they answer…”THAT GIRL” whilst pointing in her direction, hopefully with a 12 inch day-glow neon-green rubber cock. Or you get those really clever fellows who put “insert witty headline here”…I hope they fall ass-first into a cucumber patch. I detest the witty headline because a person can sit for hours, if need be, to think about a funny quip that the masses can happen upon….so when you actually meet this person you’ll soon find out that their wit is on par with a shovel. Unlike the stiff sitting in front of you though, you can actually use a shovel…preferably to bash the stiff in the face.

Switching gears for a moment, I’d like to talk about something fun I did yesterday. While my lovely wife was watching whatever crap she watches on TV, I decided that I wanted to put my dick in her ear. She put up a valiant fight, but due to her small size I easily overpowered her and dropped my helmet onto her ear opening….awesome! It was worth the struggle for two reasons: #1, she yelled “AHHH, it’s hot!” and #2, I got a nice cock squeeze for my troubles. You haven’t lived unless you’ve tried to molest someone’s ear cavity…give’r a shot!!

Kill your cell phone

I’ve decided that I have a new thing to hate immensely, ringtones. I fucking hate ringtones based on people having them simply so you’ll hear them. The thing these days is to have a song as the ringtone, so you will know that your phone is ringing AND the people around you will know what your musical tastes in are.

Please people, spare me the bullshit of hearing the lame shallow lyrics and cheesy hooks of the current rap scene. I’d say about 95% of rap artists are pure fucking garbage, and the 5% that aren’t garbage more than likely are not the top “downloads” for any major phone service provider.

Back to ringtones though, I just don’t think that your personal phone should be heard, my phone ringer is always on vibrate and my text tone is very inaudible to anyone but myself. My reasoning is that my cell phone is owned by me, I pay the bill and deal with shit like overages and roaming. So if the phone is mine in every sense than why the fuck would I torture others with an obnoxious ringer? They don’t pay the bill, they don’t talk on it and they don’t write cute lil’ text haiku’s on it so why would they care to hear my ringer/tone?

We get these twats that say “let me know if my phone rings while I step away”, I wonder why they don’t just step away with their phone. People need to realize that owning a cell phone doesn’t make you important, that shit went out the window about 8 years ago when they became affordable to the AVERAGE consumer. I personally hate my cell phone, I had one for a while because I never kept a house line and a cell phone was my source of keeping in touch with employers and family members alike. People say shit like: “what if you get a flat tire?” I tell them that I’d change the fucking tire and continue about my business regardless of the status of my cell phone.

People seem to forget that they lived their whole lives without phones until recently, “I’d die without my cell phone!!” Fuck! I hope they die with their precious cell phone, as a matter of fact I hope they die because of their stupid iphone. Whoop-de-doo! You can scroll through your voicemails without listening to them….that’s groundbreaking!! Hopefully Apple will add an implement to the iphone that reduces your douche-bag rating, maybe they could bundle it with a free Kanye West ringtone….

 hOlLaZ!!!1!

Mythical Warming

Global warming is a topic that is pretty big right now, it even got Al Gore a fucking award that he doesn’t deserve. I, like many, have an opinion on this topic and would like to give my insight.

The climate in recent years has been much warmer than years past, which is fine, I don’t dispute that. I remember it snowing as early as Thanksgiving why I was young, and my father told me stories of how lakes would be frozen from November to March when he was a boy. But what gets me is that climate has been studied for what? At most, maybe a couple thousand years and that would be a stretch.

To fight that dispute the warming advocates are throwing “core samples” in our face. What is a core sample you ask? Basically they drill into a deep glacier to get a long shaft of ice and with this they can analyze how much co2 was present in the air at that current time by counting the bubbles or some shit. By finding how much carbon dioxide is in the air they can determine the global temperature at that point in time.

Now that I’ve explained how core sampling works I will explain how it really doesn’t prove a warming theory. In my research, which wasn’t terribly extensive, I found that the furthest reaching core sample was drilled in the Guliya Ice cap of western China during the 1990’s and reached back 760,000 years. Now you may think; “good heavens, that is quite a long time ago”, and I would have to agree with you…it is indeed a long time ago. But chew on this, the Earth is 4.5 billion years old…taking 760,000 years of climate and saying that a planet is in peril is like saying a girl is ugly based on how her pinky toenail looks. 760,000 is a big number, but for it to stand up to 4.5 billion you’d have to multiply it nearly 6,000 times. That’s a lot!

So in closing global warming is a bullshit man-made myth, Al Gore is a dick-wad and Earth is really fucking old!

Bare Knuckles

I just had a strange random memory, I remember when I was about 12 years old my dad, stepmom and I went to this cookout at one of her co-workers. I can remember it was out in bumble-fuck off route 206 and that I knew pretty much nobody there. So my parents do with me what parents do when they go to a social event, dumped me with a bunch of strange kids and went about enjoying themselves, at least I think that’s what parents do….I wouldn’t really know. So here I am with these kids, I’d say about 4 of them total, 2 I had met briefly at some other function.

At first it was like any other random cookout until the oldest kid decided it would be a good idea to have a boxing match. I was pretty nonchalant about it until I was drafted as one of the combatants, my first question was where are the gloves? I didn’t like the answer I received…so now here I am, in a strange place with strange people and I’m about to participate in a fight that has no animosity even remotely associated with it. At this point I had been in a shitload of schoolyard fights, I knew how to handle myself, but I was unsure how to fight someone without actually wanting to kick their ass. So the one kid kept time and his brother was the ref/judge and a girl (whom the winner should’ve gotten to mouthfuck) that was a spectator.
So at first I’m not tryin to hit heavy because even though we’re about the same size, I don’t want to hurt the kid.

We go through about 2 rounds before I stop caring if I’m hurting him, I was uncomfortable in the situation and I wanted it to end. Perhaps if we weren’t in plain view of the adults I would have been more down for the whole experience, I didn’t like the audience. Come to think of it, sitting around drinking beer and watching 12 year olds bare-knuckle box sounds like a fuckin rad afternoon to me. So back to the “rumble in bumble..fuck” we were finally in the scheduled final round and it was looking like I was gonna get the decision…I had experience on the kid, so it’s winding down within the last minute and the kid’s mom turns around and yells for him to kick my ass. That was IT, I had my fill of the whole situation and the suggestion of me getting MY ass kicked finally gave me the anger that was required, I went fucking aggro and let off a hook to the temple that was so hard I almost tried to stop it. Down he went, and the count was on…the one kid started to count and his brother told him that time was up about halfway through. Saved by the bell, but I still won the decision, the kid got some shots on me but I never left my feet and that would be the deciding factor. I was tank…a little mutt tank…I fucking ate lightening and crapped thunder.

Thinking back on that day I find myself wondering why I didn’t add the “winner get a blowie” stipulation…I suppose there is ignorance in youth. I have since retired from bare-knuckle boxing and actually haven’t been in a fight of any kind for over a full decade…one week before my 18th birthday. Kicking someone’s ass is impressive, but paying fines and probation will definitely NOT get you laid. What can I say? I’m a lover not a fighter…

Valentine’s Sham

Most humans are consumers, even vagrants consume the refuse of the higher classes. I, however, try to consume as little as possible…I generally don’t buy anything new. I like to buy videogames, a long running past-time, but as of recently I haven’t personally paid for a game in a year or so at least. I take what I have and I use it for trading on a specific web-site, very little money is exchanged and I don’t get raped by large chains with shitty resell values. You have to pretty much put a gun to my head to get me to shop for clothes, and I buy groceries because I do need to eat. There is so much needless shit in society these days it’s truly sickening.

I work with 2 guys who were making their last second Valentine’s Day purchases and they ridiculed me because I don’t buy my wife a bunch of low quality hallmark bullshit and over-priced flowers. First, my anniversary is 11 days after Valentine’s…second, I simply don’t believe in a holiday that was formed in America in the 1840′s to sell fucking stationary. St. Valentine was actually a collection of 11 different christian martyrs of the same name; “Valentinus”, so basically St. Valentine has nothing to do with love and relationships.

Most of the traditions that are associated with modern Valentine’s Day were actually invented in England during the 14th century, most notibly by Geoffrey Chaucer who was portayed in the gay movie A Knight’s Tale. The earliest known association of Valentine’s Day and “romantic love” was in Chaucer’s 700 word poem “Parlement of Foules”, written to honor the 1st anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II and Anne of Bohemia in 1382. Chaucer was most known for the literary masterpiece The Canterbury Tales and is actually known by some as the “father of English literature”, yet his greatest creation endures 600 years after his death. Sadly, his vision on the “Valentine’s Tradition” is what the day should be about, yet it is farther from his initial meaning than ever; true love.

So the actual origin of the holiday has been explained, but what did I mean about it being created in the 1840′s? It truely comes down to good ol’ American capitalism, but you’re not surprised I’m sure.

America first saw the Valentine’s Card mass produced in 1847 and sold by some twat named Esther from New England. Prior to this people would exchange love letters and actually share true feelings of love, not some fucking mass produced corporate drivel. Now Valentine’s Day is the second largest holiday for card-sending, which then prompted the dirt-bag diamond industry in the 1980′s to start whoring themselves out for cash. If there’s one thing I hate more than capitalist twats named Esther from New England it’s fucking jewelers…slimy pricks.

So there you have it, the history of Valentine’s Day…from a day that celebrated christian martyrs to a day of true love to a day of trying to swindle poor fuck-tards out of their hard earned cash. Congratulations humanity! Now I’m gonna go write my wife a well thought out love note that professes the very best of what she brings to my life…..and remind her about the $40 she owes me. She better not bullshit me or I’ll lovingly take it out of her ass.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Work is Bullshit

It gets harder every single day. I hate being nice, I hate it more than anything in the fucking world. I’m good at being decent, cordial even…but it physically pains me to “play nice” and small-talk someone. If I genuinely enjoy someone’s company it’s one thing, I like my friends and family…they intrigue me. My co-workers on the other hand, can die of horrible disfiguring diseases and I wouldn’t bat an eye…I don’t hate my co-workers though, I just hate everything about them and everything they stand for.

In my career I am a man amongst women, a cock among hundreds of hens…if you will. While women in general don’t bother me, these bitches give women a bad name. I fucking LOVE women! But I hate these catty, backstabbing, self absorbed-self promoting twat bags.

If I hear about another pair of fucking shoes they got on sale I’m gonna loose my fucking mind. Woohoo, you got fucking shoes at a slightly reduced rate….STOP THE PRESSES!!!!1!! OMFG!! Who cares? The person they are telling either hates them or is jealous of this great sale…so why even bother? I just don’t get it. The thing that I’ve noticed and find quite funny is that because I have a dick…and subsequently common sense, I am like a ghost here…transparent even. I could be sitting visibly in front of a group of women and they will shit on someone else as if I’m not even there. That’s pretty much the only perk.

While I’m speaking about stupid women in the workplace I’d like to take the time to complain about the cleaning women who like to vacuum during prime phone hours. It’s not the cleaner’s fault, after all they are mindless illegal Mexicans, but why the fuck do you vacuum at 10am? Do it at night when the fucking office is closed and you are not disturbing semi-intelligent individuals while they work, of course I stress the word “semi”.

I also get to enjoy the “Diet Pepsi Status” of the day about 3 days per week. For some reason a few of the holes here drink the slop that is Diet Pepsi, and they are not alone, the machine in this building runs out of Diet Pepsi fairly rapidly. So I get treated to a roundtable discussion about wether the machine has Diet Pepsi or not for that current day. Let’s dive into this one; the women drink DIET Pepsi, so I’d assume that they are trying to be somewhat healthy. In their minds it’s a diet soda, so it’s “less bad for you”….but it’s still bad, the stuff can clean shit-piss stains out of a toilet for christ sake. If you’re going the diet route then why not drink water? It’s free here, they got a whole 5 gallon jug of the shit situated on a neat little apparatus that either makes your water really hot or refreshingly cold. Well, at least I know it’s there the next time I hear the Diet Pepsi Status once again and feel the urge to throw scalding water into someone’s face.

I’m not the only male that works here, I am perhaps the only man though. I work with a couple of neutered douch-bags and a Columbian that just flat out rapes the system. My Columbian friend got the job about 7 years ago because he was fucking the boss lady’s neice at the time, they’ve since broken up and my friend empregnated some round-faced slob that treats him like shit. Strangley enough the boss lady still favors him even though he is hands down the worst employee in the history of employment….it annoys me and makes me happy at the same time. The rest of the guys here are pa-fucking-thetic, just squeaky clean shitbags that laugh at unfunny jokes and small talk about shit that no man would ever care to talk about naturally. The worst offender is this kid who’s some higher-up’s nephew, this kid is all up in the non-threatening conversations being all sassy! Just a man relating to women….UGH!!

Not me though, the women of the office seemingly “got the memo” about me. If they don’t directly work with me the women here avoid me like the plague, I guess I just don’t look very nice to talk to….

Hello world!

I’m gonna post some older blogs that I hosted on other sites and write new material soon.